Its been a week since I started things back up I’m not sure how to go about this post, there’s so much I want to say with no idea how to say it,

I guess a good a place as any to start would be explaining how contact has been going. Its less than satisfactory obviously, no surprise there I deserve to work back up to were I was before, it wouldn’t be right if things just returned to how they were

Here’s were things get relatively hard to explain… I watched a movie with her today, I figured its something she really enjoyed (as did I) she was really into romantic movies I enjoyed them but more so the anime side of it all however as I was scrolling through both generic romantic comedies that I’m sure you all would recognize by name an a mix of anime ones that aren’t nearly as popular, she enjoys watching anime with me though I’m not sure if she prefers it over the classics (after all I would mostly pick animated ones) so why not at least start with something she prefers over my idea of a good movie, anyway as I was looking through your most popular ones Titanic, The Notebook, The Twilight series, ect. one particularly caught my eye… That’s right Forest Motherfucking Gump one of the most brilliantly created movies of all time (In my opinion of course) Which cant even compare to the novel but still a stupidly good movie (no pun intended) for those of you who haven’t seen it (shame on you) its based around a friendly, simple minded Alabama man, whose isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed but still a ridiculously interesting individual, who goes through most of the major event of the 60’ds an 70’ds. If you aren’t balling your eyes out at one point or another you should get checked out by a doctor. the director brilliantly lays out his life in a way that is awe inspiring… anyway to get back on topic I choose this movie without a shred of doubt she wouldn’t enjoy it, cocky but come on its a beautiful movie, granted I did try to ask for her preference but was met with perpetual silence (no surprise there) so the choice was up to me, an I think I hit the nail on the head. Just feeling her emotions throughout the movie was enough to bring a bombardment of tears streaming down my face (never mind the events of the movie itself) the connection we shared during those two hours was so strong I cant even begin to completely explain how they felt(though ill try) at the end of the movie after the last scene, after I composed myself or better put utterly failed to do so, I still feel emotionally scared from her reaction to both the movie an my reaction to her reaction of the movie, reacting to are combined typhoon of tears an utter amazement of Forest Gump’s incomparable reaction to everything that happens to him (did I confuse you yet? lol) I’m trying to make light of the situation but deep down I feel terrible, the feelings we shared are so divine that I still cant stop crying even as I type this (for real the keys are so slippery its hard to type) not to mention the guilt I feel for denying her these profound emotions we use to share for so long (or at least something akin to them) its just building on itself to the point were I feel like somebody just stuck a machete (no not a knife) clear through my heart an keeps endlessly twisting it around, I feel like I cant even breath an that’s just the beginning of it along with that feeling of crushing guilt I’m so disappointed with myself I cant even bring myself to think of anything but how pathetic of a human being, lover an husband I am to her she deserves every bit of my attention at this point in our relationship an I cant even give her that much because of my selfishness, I don’t deserve her in any way shape or form how she is even still with me is beyond anything I can even fathom, How do you put up with this bullshit? WHY do you put up with my bullshit? how can you even bring yourself to look at me if I were you I would have been long gone awhile ago. I don’t even know were to start to heal that wound, she says she would forgive me no matter what but I feel like I just cant accept that I’m trying to but I feel like I’ve hurt you so deeply the damages are irreversible. I don’t even know how to feel anymore all I want to do is love you but I’m not sure ill even be capable of bringing myself to forgive something like that believe me darling I really am trying to but its so hard. Reading back a few days ago at some of those dreams we use to share I so yearned for that connection again asking her on multiple occasions if she could at least visit me for a minute in a dream so we could at the very least talk things out face to face. I was even getting relatively frustrated that my dreams have been rather pointless lately. But after tonight I see I don’t deserve that or anything even close to it. I get why its so difficult to contact you I really truly understand now the pain I’ve put you through over the past year I can never take back what I did, all I can try to do is make up for it an I don’t see how that would be even possible you deserve so much better you’ve been the most supporting individual I’ve ever met in my entire life an I honestly mean that. I wish I could at least stop thinking about my fucking self for one second an try to begin make it up to you tonight, even this letter feels inadequate. I cant even describe how sorry I am, I guess for now all I can say is…

Life is like a box of  chocolate’s you never know what your going to get.

An you got the worst one.