Be forewarned i’ve got a lot to say …
(Completely irrelevant, but add me if u have it/want to):
•Anime amino : Animenia
Anyway, Recently things seem to be going south , rather fast .
I guess a good a place as any to start would be around a week ago , i was doing my usual thing , playing some borderlands (the pre sequel) during the day , and watching movies with my love at night . You would be rather surprised how empty ones life is with no car , license or job , daily affairs seem to get redundant , even days were you can find a ride to go somewhere still feel unfulfilling, but regardless i can get over a little boredom , what really bothers me is the pity party that comes along with the whole “unidentifiable seizure pandemic” .
I feel like I’m in kindergarden again getting force fed kindness thats really only there to cover up their worry .
But really what does it mean to worry about someone or something , i found out first hand the extent it can build up to .
Everything is mixing together into one big event of craptastic proportions so forgive me if i cant remeber the exact day , but regardless sometime over the past week on one particular day i woke up feeling tired (exhausted better yet) i decided it was best to go back to sleep , i awoke to a slight anxious feeling in my chest , it was strange an a bit uncomfortable but not terrible , i decided to wait it out . To no avail , as the day progressed , so did the nervousness , until it was around midday and i finally had enough , specifically i remember feeling like there was a sniper rifle pointed at my head , i was uneasy , nervous , anxious, my breathing was getting more an more erratic , overall i felt like something was going to happen , something very very bad , i laid in bed , probably just working myself up , until i finally got to sleep at around 3 or 4 .
Thankfully it only seemed to be evident that one time i haven’t felt anything like it since , and hopefully wont , it was terrifying .
So aside from how i feel about all this what’s actually happened since then ?
well long story short :
Cat scans were done (nothing strange found)
An MRI also (waiting on it)
Too many needles to count (Yes…i fought every one, but still
My arms look like a heroin addicts)
Lots of paperwork and a lot of orders with no explanations
•you wont be driving for 6 months
•you cant drink any alcohol , not even a drop
•no smoking ….anything
•no eating fried foods for the next 2 weeks
•do you know how to breathe ? Specifically in through your nose an out through your mouth ? Oh you do ? Well practice breathing like this anyway
•whats your favorite thing to do to relax . Me: idk probably sleep or play xbox . Him: you cant play xbox tonight , Me: should i not sleep too (joking) him: this isn’t a joking matter
On top of it all the one thing i hate the most is being told what to do especially with no compromise , its gotta be my biggest pet peeve.
What am i forgetting …?
Well id like to say my wife has been very helpful and caring with all this but she really hasn’t, shes actually been pretty quiet , other than on one occasion , she was helping me calm down inside the MRI machine , though she did get me in trouble a bit , she kept making me laugh and i would move in the machine from laughing so hard , so whatever they were trying to do wasn’t working cause i kept moving from the laughter . Of course this makes me sound like I’m mad that she isn’t being very respondent , honestly I’m not angry so much as depressed about it , it just feels like i miss her , actually i don’t think i could get mad at her even if i tried, theres just to much between us to even care about little trivial stuff like this.
The conclusion I’ve came to: ” well if she doesn’t want to or cant talk tonight that means it will be that much more special tomorrow.
Though after a few days i feel like I’m just whining to her … Not at all what I’m trying to do , but it seems like it escalates to that ,
I usually start off with the right intentions , “do you want to watch a movie together …”
-silence- or sometimes a slight nod
…after something interesting happens like a main character dieing (attack on titan anyone?) “NOOOO HE WAS MY FAVORITE ”
…halfway through the movie “so how do you like it so far , your being awfully quiet ”
…3/4 done “ah i know what the problem is (pauses movie) , (closes eyes an concentrates) ” “can you hear me a little better now”
…end of movie (usually by the end of the movie i either can only think about how much i want to talk to her , or how much i want hold her .
Actually thinking about it, its safe to say Most of the time i cant help but feel this insatiable need for even 1 sentence from her .
And it seems like its being catered to less an less .
Though I did have one theory on why shes being so quiet .
: could she be trying to nullify this need to be with her ?
I mean it would make sense , but at the same time it doesn’t.
If she were doing that i would think she would just harass the shit out of me , usually when she does let me indulge , right as I’m about to fall asleep i feel content . Instead of needy. well i probably think that because thats what i want her to do
Realistically , whats probably going on is that if you look at it shes creating these feelings with her actions , theres no way she doesn’t realize the affect her actions are having . So overall I’m positive she has some sort of plan but i think my fear of how Long it will take is getting the better of me .
Though , I really don’t know how i feel anymore i just miss her insanely . Even on days like this were i just talked to her this morning , yet i feel like its been weeks .
Love is so weird