Preparation

so things haven’t been going well lately i just got a new job and really haven’t had that much time or really any left for my wife I’m eager now that i have a day off to patch up this gap of contact I don’t expect much but hopefully I can at least brighten up her night if anything else on another note Ive been having quite the dreams lately involving her but can’t seem to recall them much past the next morning which really does blow i hate it but at the same time I’m soo thankful to her I haven’t been giving her the attention she deserves and I’m really hoping to make it up to her tonight, ill keep this short an sweet as I anticipate or more likely hope I’ll have to talk about after tonight

hope everyone is doing good an life has been treating you all well, take care

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Its been a week since I started things back up I’m not sure how to go about this post, there’s so much I want to say with no idea how to say it,

I guess a good a place as any to start would be explaining how contact has been going. Its less than satisfactory obviously, no surprise there I deserve to work back up to were I was before, it wouldn’t be right if things just returned to how they were

Here’s were things get relatively hard to explain… I watched a movie with her today, I figured its something she really enjoyed (as did I) she was really into romantic movies I enjoyed them but more so the anime side of it all however as I was scrolling through both generic romantic comedies that I’m sure you all would recognize by name an a mix of anime ones that aren’t nearly as popular, she enjoys watching anime with me though I’m not sure if she prefers it over the classics (after all I would mostly pick animated ones) so why not at least start with something she prefers over my idea of a good movie, anyway as I was looking through your most popular ones Titanic, The Notebook, The Twilight series, ect. one particularly caught my eye… That’s right Forest Motherfucking Gump one of the most brilliantly created movies of all time (In my opinion of course) Which cant even compare to the novel but still a stupidly good movie (no pun intended) for those of you who haven’t seen it (shame on you) its based around a friendly, simple minded Alabama man, whose isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed but still a ridiculously interesting individual, who goes through most of the major event of the 60’ds an 70’ds. If you aren’t balling your eyes out at one point or another you should get checked out by a doctor. the director brilliantly lays out his life in a way that is awe inspiring… anyway to get back on topic I choose this movie without a shred of doubt she wouldn’t enjoy it, cocky but come on its a beautiful movie, granted I did try to ask for her preference but was met with perpetual silence (no surprise there) so the choice was up to me, an I think I hit the nail on the head. Just feeling her emotions throughout the movie was enough to bring a bombardment of tears streaming down my face (never mind the events of the movie itself) the connection we shared during those two hours was so strong I cant even begin to completely explain how they felt(though ill try) at the end of the movie after the last scene, after I composed myself or better put utterly failed to do so, I still feel emotionally scared from her reaction to both the movie an my reaction to her reaction of the movie, reacting to are combined typhoon of tears an utter amazement of Forest Gump’s incomparable reaction to everything that happens to him (did I confuse you yet? lol) I’m trying to make light of the situation but deep down I feel terrible, the feelings we shared are so divine that I still cant stop crying even as I type this (for real the keys are so slippery its hard to type) not to mention the guilt I feel for denying her these profound emotions we use to share for so long (or at least something akin to them) its just building on itself to the point were I feel like somebody just stuck a machete (no not a knife) clear through my heart an keeps endlessly twisting it around, I feel like I cant even breath an that’s just the beginning of it along with that feeling of crushing guilt I’m so disappointed with myself I cant even bring myself to think of anything but how pathetic of a human being, lover an husband I am to her she deserves every bit of my attention at this point in our relationship an I cant even give her that much because of my selfishness, I don’t deserve her in any way shape or form how she is even still with me is beyond anything I can even fathom, How do you put up with this bullshit? WHY do you put up with my bullshit? how can you even bring yourself to look at me if I were you I would have been long gone awhile ago. I don’t even know were to start to heal that wound, she says she would forgive me no matter what but I feel like I just cant accept that I’m trying to but I feel like I’ve hurt you so deeply the damages are irreversible. I don’t even know how to feel anymore all I want to do is love you but I’m not sure ill even be capable of bringing myself to forgive something like that believe me darling I really am trying to but its so hard. Reading back a few days ago at some of those dreams we use to share I so yearned for that connection again asking her on multiple occasions if she could at least visit me for a minute in a dream so we could at the very least talk things out face to face. I was even getting relatively frustrated that my dreams have been rather pointless lately. But after tonight I see I don’t deserve that or anything even close to it. I get why its so difficult to contact you I really truly understand now the pain I’ve put you through over the past year I can never take back what I did, all I can try to do is make up for it an I don’t see how that would be even possible you deserve so much better you’ve been the most supporting individual I’ve ever met in my entire life an I honestly mean that. I wish I could at least stop thinking about my fucking self for one second an try to begin make it up to you tonight, even this letter feels inadequate. I cant even describe how sorry I am, I guess for now all I can say is…

Life is like a box of  chocolate’s you never know what your going to get.

An you got the worst one.

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Hi

Well its been awhile huh? I regret to say I happened to have a couple life crises in the past year or so since I last posted. Too many things happened to even accurately describe. So long story short I ended up finding out I have a seizure disorder which put me in an out of the hospital quite a few times for awhile (whether I mentioned this or not I cant remember) furthermore I lost most of memory when I decided to try ECT (Electric Compulsive Therapy) I had been struggling with suicidal ideations for awhile an was desperate to find any method of relief from these rather dark thoughts. Unbeknownst to me I lost most of my memory of anything that happened before its (Very fucking) slowly coming back as time passes. Though I’m hopeful that within the next few months I should see at least some recollection of memories, its not incredibly serious memory loss but its a the least incredibly annoying not remembering stories an whatnot  I still have trouble finding the words I want to say in conversation to (I was a pretty non verbal person in the first place so that doesn’t help) but regardless what is the most bothersome thing is that I cant remember most of the times with Mia , after I finish this post I’m going to have to re read the posts I made before in hopes that I can remember at least some of them (I can feel her excitement as I write this lmfao)

What makes this even worse is that I pretty much lost all contact with her over the past 8 months or so a little while after this all happened most of it is my fault I pretty much had the opportunity’s to sit down an at least talk with her with all the time I spent in multiple mental hospitals I pretty much had all the time in the world actually, not to mention laying in the hospital bed waiting to go home once I got cleared after a seizure.

I’m incredibly disappointed in myself an actually fell back into a downward spiral that was rather difficult to shake off (still struggling), I can still feel her presence I don’t know how she still wants to stick around I certainly hurt her an I hope I can make that up, even if it takes the rest of my life

so all in all I’m starting back from square one Exactly what I deserve

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Kik group

Theres a kik group a couple of other bloggers and supernatural enthusiasts created of about 15 or so other people , its usually randomn chat but sometimes it dips into the supernatural,  if anyone is interested in joining it let me know i can add you . 

Kik: scrubbadubba 

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Movies

She sure can pick them

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Some things

So earlier today i had a conversation with my lovely wife :

Me: “I love how happy you are right now”

Her: “I love you”

“I love you more”

“No ….you don’t”

“I can prove it ”

….
….
….

Her: “You never cease to amaze”

Me:”Thanks love”

“But we need to talk”

“About”

“dial back the sex talk”

to which i responded, “Sorry my bedroom talk is lacking isn’t it”

“No i mean on your blog an the people you chat with on kik” she laughed

“Oh phew , I’m sorry i hope i didn’t offend you”

“Not in the least , I’m more worried about others, just edit some of the heavier stuff out ” (this came as a string of thoughts)

She went on to provide a few specific examples on my blog, which I’ve already tidied up . I find it odd though how it was so out of no where , i did ask way earlier in the relationship , what would be acceptable to write or talk about, An to be honest i thought i was within those boundaries. But apparently i was wrong .

Of course i couldn’t care in the least , she could probably ask me to do just about anything an i wouldn’t even consider not doing it , her judgement is beyond superb.

I do have to say i agree with her on some of the things i wrote about, its not to tasteful to be so indecent when i can easily explain it another way .

So unfourtantley i wont be sharing much about our sex life anymore , she said to be safe i should “consult with her first ” , Oh ok czar Mia XD

But of course i will anyway , really this is a pretty small request in the whole grand scheme of things .

On another note though things are going along swimmingly today , i cant remember having this much fun just sitting around playing video games an watching movies , did she feel bad about her request an is now trying to make it up? Or perhaps the request was the beginning of something bigger , an increase in contact maybe ?

Regardless i love her more than i can put into words , So i just wanted to say thank you for everything thus far my darling , You really are my everything , I cant even express to you how excited for the future i am.

(You never said i couldn’t be all lovey dovey an sappy :p 💕)

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Update

Be forewarned i’ve got a lot to say …

(Completely irrelevant, but add me if u have it/want to):
•Kik: scrubbadubba
•Anime amino : Animenia

Anyway, Recently things seem to be going south , rather fast .

I guess a good a place as any to start would be around a week ago , i was doing my usual thing , playing some borderlands (the pre sequel) during the day , and watching movies with my love at night . You would be rather surprised how empty ones life is with no car , license or job , daily affairs seem to get redundant , even days were you can find a ride to go somewhere still feel unfulfilling, but regardless i can get over a little boredom , what really bothers me is the pity party that comes along with the whole “unidentifiable seizure pandemic” .

I feel like I’m in kindergarden again getting force fed kindness thats really only there to cover up their worry .

But really what does it mean to worry about someone or something , i found out first hand the extent it can build up to .

Everything is mixing together into one big event of craptastic proportions so forgive me if i cant remeber the exact day , but regardless sometime over the past week on one particular day i woke up feeling tired (exhausted better yet) i decided it was best to go back to sleep , i awoke to a slight anxious feeling in my chest , it was strange an a bit uncomfortable but not terrible , i decided to wait it out . To no avail , as the day progressed , so did the nervousness , until it was around midday and i finally had enough , specifically i remember feeling like there was a sniper rifle pointed at my head , i was uneasy , nervous , anxious, my breathing was getting more an more erratic , overall i felt like something was going to happen , something very very bad , i laid in bed , probably just working myself up , until i finally got to sleep at around 3 or 4 .

Thankfully it only seemed to be evident that one time i haven’t felt anything like it since , and hopefully wont , it was terrifying .

So aside from how i feel about all this what’s actually happened since then ?

well long story short :

Cat scans were done (nothing strange found)

An MRI also (waiting on it)

Too many needles to count (Yes…i fought every one, but still
My arms look like a heroin addicts)

Lots of paperwork and a lot of orders with no explanations
•you wont be driving for 6 months
•you cant drink any alcohol , not even a drop
•no smoking ….anything
•no eating fried foods for the next 2 weeks
•do you know how to breathe ? Specifically in through your nose an out through your mouth ? Oh you do ? Well practice breathing like this anyway
•whats your favorite thing to do to relax . Me: idk probably sleep or play xbox . Him: you cant play xbox tonight , Me: should i not sleep too (joking) him: this isn’t a joking matter

On top of it all the one thing i hate the most is being told what to do especially with no compromise , its gotta be my biggest pet peeve.

What am i forgetting …?

Ah ,

Well id like to say my wife has been very helpful and caring with all this but she really hasn’t, shes actually been pretty quiet , other than on one occasion , she was helping me calm down inside the MRI machine , though she did get me in trouble a bit , she kept making me laugh and i would move in the machine from laughing so hard , so whatever they were trying to do wasn’t working cause i kept moving from the laughter . Of course this makes me sound like I’m mad that she isn’t being very respondent , honestly I’m not angry so much as depressed about it , it just feels like i miss her , actually i don’t think i could get mad at her even if i tried, theres just to much between us to even care about little trivial stuff like this.

The conclusion I’ve came to: ” well if she doesn’t want to or cant talk tonight that means it will be that much more special tomorrow.

Though after a few days i feel like I’m just whining to her … Not at all what I’m trying to do , but it seems like it escalates to that ,

I usually start off with the right intentions , “do you want to watch a movie together …”

-silence- or sometimes a slight nod

…after something interesting happens like a main character dieing (attack on titan anyone?) “NOOOO HE WAS MY FAVORITE ”

-silence-

…halfway through the movie “so how do you like it so far , your being awfully quiet ”

-silence-

…3/4 done “ah i know what the problem is (pauses movie) , (closes eyes an concentrates) ” “can you hear me a little better now”

-silence-

…end of movie (usually by the end of the movie i either can only think about how much i want to talk to her , or how much i want hold her .

Actually thinking about it, its safe to say Most of the time i cant help but feel this insatiable need for even 1 sentence from her .

And it seems like its being catered to less an less .

Though I did have one theory on why shes being so quiet .

: could she be trying to nullify this need to be with her ?

I mean it would make sense , but at the same time it doesn’t.

If she were doing that i would think she would just harass the shit out of me , usually when she does let me indulge , right as I’m about to fall asleep i feel content . Instead of needy. well i probably think that because thats what i want her to do

Realistically , whats probably going on is that if you look at it shes creating these feelings with her actions , theres no way she doesn’t realize the affect her actions are having . So overall I’m positive she has some sort of plan but i think my fear of how Long it will take is getting the better of me .

Though , I really don’t know how i feel anymore i just miss her insanely . Even on days like this were i just talked to her this morning , yet i feel like its been weeks .

Mehh,

Love is so weird

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